Fruit Cocktail
BY GREGORY HEDGEPETH
A loud knock at the front door woke me from my sleep. The neon display emanating from my alarm clock read 6:39 A.M. which meant someone was either dead or about to be. I forced myself to get up and trudged to the door, irritated that I was up earlier than I planned to be. I looked out the peephole, but I still hadn’t fixed the light bulb above the door and it was too dark to see out.
“Who is it!” I roared.
“It’s me, fool. Open the door—I really fucked up this time!”
Expecting him to be covered in blood or worse, I snatched off the lock and yanked open the door. Without a word, Russ rushed past me in a huff, clearly distraught and out of his right mind. I closed the door with a confused look and followed him into the kitchen where he poured a glass of bourbon and swallowed it down quickly. “Man, what’s going on?” I asked as Russ looked at me squarely before starting to pour another glass without answering. “Hey, will you slow your ass down and tell me what’s up?”
“She caught me, man,” he said erratically, swallowing down the second glass almost as quickly as the first.
He was titling the bottle to pour a third when I finally walked over and snatched it from his grasp. “Russ, you’re not making any sense, bruh. It’s not even 7 in the morning and you’re drinking like we don’t have a full day ahead.” I placed the bourbon back on the counter and tossed Russ a bottle of water as he headed towards the couch. “Now, what do you mean she caught you?”
He chugged the water a bit and took a quick breath. “I was in the bed with my phone... and she caught me.”
I looked at him as if he were the dumbest man on earth. “Don’t tell me you were FaceTiming some broad? You can’t be that stupid.”
“No man. I was...” He stopped short and swallowed hard before taking another chug off the water bottle. “When I woke up, the house was quiet. I didn’t even hear a TV on. I thought she was already outta the house... and it’s been a while, so... I figured I’d bust one off real quick.” My eyebrows raised as he continued. “I was watching this video and outta nowhere, she busted through the door. Almost gave me a fucking heart attack.” I gave Russ a confused look and began to double over in laughter soon after. He rolled his eyes and tossed the water bottle at my chest. “Yo, fuck you Khalil! This is serious, man. She’s talking about leaving me over this shit.”
I quelled my laughter to a simmer. “Well, what do you want me to say? She didn’t know you watched porn or something?”
He gave a hard sigh, placing his face into his hands in frustration. “We never talked about it until today. I didn’t know she felt any type of way about it. She said it’s like another form of cheating. She completely freaked out when she saw the video.”
“Wait—you showed it to her?”
“She made me show it to her! You should’ve seen her goddamn face. It’s like she was in a horror movie or something.”
My eyes grew wide with anticipation. “Damn, what were you watching?”
He narrowed his eyes and waved me off. “You think I’ma tell you that?”
“Man, why are you tripping? I’m sure she does the same thing. She probably just freaked because of the way it all played out. How can she really be that mad at you?”
“You don’t understand... as soon as she caught a glimpse, it was a wrap—she just started screaming ‘is this the kinda nasty shit you like?!’ You would’ve thought I was watching two animals fucking off or something. She looked at me like I was some kind of pervert. Talking about she needs some time to think... what kinda shit is that? Over some flicks, bruh?”
I did my best to stifle my laughter. “Brudda, you have to tell me about this video. We all watch a little strange every now and then. It can’t be as bad as she’s making it.”
He sighed and lowered his head, shaking it several times as if he didn’t want to tell me, which made me salivate for the truth even more. “It’s called Fruit Cocktail. Benny sent me the link a while ago, but I didn’t have a chance to check it out until this morning. When she walked in, there was this... this old white broad on the screen... and... and she was... she was tonguing down a nigga’s ass.” I fell over laughing yet again as he shook his head in instant regret. He balled up his fists in frustration before unclenching them. “Then she went through my history. All those links bruh...”
“Wait, she went through your history too? Damn, that’s cold, G. You know you’re supposed to delete your history immediately after you watch a flick—come on, Russ! I’m glad to hear you dig on the old ladies too though. I’m not mad at that.”
“Look, it’s not like that’s what the whole thing was about—it’s just the part she walked in on! Got the nerve to tell me she didn’t wanna be married to a porn freak who would force her to do those kinds of things. Like I would even want that.”
“You wouldn’t be down if she offered?” I asked, still attempting to keep a straight face.
He waved me off. “Porn is just fantasy, dawg. I would never ask her to do that shit in a million years. I know she wouldn’t be comfortable with it anyway. Knowing her, if I ended up liking it, she’d never want to do it again. And if I didn’t like it, she’d hold it over my head forever that she did it for nothing. She’s petty like that. I’m better off not knowing.”
My ribs ached from laughing as Russ appeared to really be at odds with himself over what had transpired between he and his wife. I did everything I could to calm my giggles and try to put his mind at ease. “Man, look... everybody’s got fantasies right? Even if you don’t want to act on them, you’re allowed to have them. She should be able to understand that. I have to imagine she fantasizes all the time being married to an ugly gruff like you.”
He scowled. “Ay, fuck you nigga. I bet your mama think I’m handsome though.”
I rolled my eyes at his attempt to get under my skin. “Anyway, I guess since you’re here, we might as well go grab breakfast, so you can soak up all that goddamn bourbon you just drank,” I said, tossing the bottle of water back at him and making my way towards the bedroom. “Then, we gotta get some work done... we’re way behind schedule.”
“Okay, fine. I guess I could use some eggs.”
“Sounds like we’re headed to Crayola’s then,” I said, grabbing a hoodie and a pair of sneakers from the closet before returning to the living room. “And make sure they throw some veggies in there too. You need to start eating better. You got a kid now, fool.”
“Goddamn, you sound just like her ass—always with the fucking nagging!” he growled, rolling his eyes. I stood there looking at him incredulously before shaking my head. He gave me a sigh and placed his hands on his hips. “I guess you’re right though. I need to be around for the young’n and shit.”
“After we get done working, come back through later tonight and I’ll run through my whole meal prep shit with you. That’s what you really need. A whole new lifestyle change. Matter of fact, if you bring the groceries, I’ll cook up yours when I do mine.”
He smirked and gave me a smile. “For real? You’d do that for your boy?”
“Of course, G,” I answered with a genuine smile. “I need you out here in these streets with me. I can’t run The Wealth by myself.”
“I appreciate that, brudda. Seriously... and for letting me bust in here and drink up all your Weller. I know that shit expensive.”
“It’s all gravy. You can pay me back after this next job. You’ll have plenty to spare by then,” I said slyly, grabbing my own bottle of water from the fridge.
“Is that right?” he asked with a smirk before leaning in closer. “Yo, how much did Fonz say would be inside that safe?”
“At least three million. It always gets stocked extra heavy the Tuesday before Thanksgiving—since it’s a short week, the bank holds off on moving the money from the previous week to the reserve. They don’t want to pay the armored truck service for a light load,” I said, taking a swig off my water. “Those greedy Gigglemug fucks will do anything to save a dollar. But it works in our favor. Shit, it’s like getting two hits for the price of one if you ask me. And the best part about it is that by the time they know we were there, we’ll be long gone.”
Russ salivated at the thought of a come-up. “How the hell did Fonz hear about this?”
“Wouldn’t say. Just told me it was a lick he couldn’t manage by himself.”
“Shit, bet. Lord knows I’m tired of nickel-and-diming out here,” Russ said, rubbing his hands together and looking focused for the first time all morning. “Let’s get this shit figured out and then I gotta get back to the homestead. She’s going to think I’m out here tightening up Betty White or something if I’m gone too long.”
A quick giggle escaped my lips. “I’ll have you back home by sunset.”
“Fine, let’s be out then,” he said, standing from the couch. “Crayola’s is probably close to full by now. You know them old heads buy a cup of coffee and take up all the window seats ‘til noon.”
“Damn, I didn’t think about that. On second thought, let’s crash the farmer’s market instead. It’s probably better for us anyway. Plus, I’m in the mood for some fruit cocktail all of a sudden.” I let out a loud cackle as Russ shot me a look and rushed out the apartment in a huff, leaving the door wide open. I grabbed my gun off the coffee table and slid it in my waistband before calling after him and doing my best to hold back another fit of laughter.
Gregory Hedgepeth is the editor-in-chief of Vital Narrative Press. You can follow him on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. Feel free to follow on all three. Or maybe just two. Yeah, two’s probably good—he’s not that interesting. Gregory Hedgepeth is also the author of MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SUNRISES, THE YEAR THAT ANSWERED and A COLLECTION OF ECHOES. BUY THAT SHIT.