The Thought That Counts
BY GREGORY HEDGEPETH
The snow crunched beneath my feet as I made my way down the sidewalk, doing my best to keep from bursting into tears. I couldn’t believe I’d just embarrassed myself like that. I kept replaying the moment over in my mind, feeling worse and worse each time. I hated this time of year. Christmas spirit, my ass.
I turned the final corner toward my house and saw a few kids throwing snowballs at each other across the street. As my face flushed again and the pang of tears became ever more present, an icy mound of slush caked with mud hit me square in the back of my neck. It didn’t hurt—but before I knew what was happening, tears were slowly streaming down my cheeks. The kids across the street screeched in laughter. I thought about chasing after them, but knew it wasn’t worth it. I was just glad the box wasn’t damaged. I readjusted my grip on it and trotted home as quickly as my legs could carry me.
As soon as I stepped inside, a sweltering heat bounced off my face—Mama had already made it home. She always kept the heat on 85, which was normally too hot for me, but it felt perfect after being out in the freezing cold the entire day. She had already melted into her usual position on the couch with her feet atop the coffee table, smoking a cigarette and drinking amber liquid from a short glass. Her favorite reality show was playing on TV, so I hoped to slip past without her noticing.
To my surprise, she saw me out the corner of her eye. “Don’t track that snow in here,” she said sternly without glancing in my direction. “I just swept and mopped. The floors are barely dry.” I turned around and snatched off my boots, leaving them on the tattered gray mat near the door. I hung up my coat and scarf, hoping to still sneak past somehow, but she was looking right at me the moment I reappeared. “Have you been crying?” she asked through a puff of smoke. I looked at her but didn’t answer, nervous that I’d break down a second time. She inhaled another puff and blew it out. “I asked you a question.”
“A kid threw a snowball at me.”
Her face scrunched up in confusion that was already candy-coated in aggravation. “Did it have a rock in it or something?”
“No, it was covered in mud,” I sputtered out, feeling the tears well up again.
“Jesus Christ, Ambrose. You’re really standing here crying because some kid threw a snowball at you? I swear I don’t get you sometimes.”
I stood there with hunched shoulders, unsure if I should still try to escape to my room. I looked down at my feet and then up at Mama. I gave a sigh and hoped she’d try to understand where I was coming from if I told her the truth. “Autumn didn’t... I mean, she wouldn’t take my gift. I paid extra to have it wrapped and everything—she wouldn’t even look at it.”
Mama sighed and placed her cigarette in the ashtray, before waving me over. I shuffled over and sat next to her on the couch, placing the box on the floor and laying my head against her shoulder. “Well, that’s her loss—not yours. Don’t take it to heart,” she said, rubbing my scalp. “Girls her age don’t usually know a good one when they see it anyway. One day, she’ll be beating down your door, wishing you would look her way twice.”
Her assertion did little to ease my heartbreak. I had spent four hours round-trip riding the bus to Gigglemug Mall and another three hours fighting the crowds, carefully selecting each item.
Her sister Winter opened the door and immediately broke out in a fit of giggles, which should’ve been my sign to run in the other direction. But I was determined to see it through. A few moments later, Autumn finally came to the door and saw me sweating there in the snow with my goofy smile and a large festively-wrapped box. Things began to move in slow motion. Her eyes met mine and suddenly my legs felt trapped in a vat of quick-drying cement. Suddenly, it felt like we were at the beginning of one of those romantic movies where two people realize they’re falling in love. However, once things returned to normal speed, it barely took a millisecond for her to point at me and bust out laughing, right before she slammed the door in my face. I thought about knocking again before I thought better of it. Then, I considered just leaving the gift there, but ultimately I decided to take my box and go home.
“So what did you get her?” Mama asked, pulling me out of the memory. I ripped the paper from the box. Placed ever so neatly inside were several issues of Black Magic comics, a pair of brown boots, four silver rings and a white porcelain teapot, shaped like an elephant. “You got her all this?” Mama asked, looking at the items and then at me incredulously. “How much did all that cost?”
“$186.”
“Jesus, boy! You spent that much money on a girl who doesn’t even like you? When you said you were buying her a Christmas gift, I thought you meant like a phone case or a pair of wool socks.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I thought if I got her something nice, she might finally change her mind and give me a chance.”
“That is not the way to get someone’s attention, son. You should focus more on being a good person. And being smart and funny and charming. Buying someone’s affection is never okay and you shouldn’t want someone who only likes you because you bought them something. Hell, I’m glad that little dirty-mouth didn’t take that box. She doesn’t deserve it. I don’t see how you can have a crush on a girl in a wheelchair anyway. It ain’t like you can take her dancing or on a walk in the park or something.”
I scrunched up my nose. “I don’t care about dancing. And I don’t care about her being in a wheelchair. I like her because she’s fun to be around. She’s pretty and she makes me laugh. She’s all the things you just told me to focus on being.” She cut her eyes at me and swallowed down the remainder of her beverage. Mama’s ranting was doing little to ease my mood as I tried my best to move past the embarrassment of yet another rejection from Autumn. I was just glad that school was out for Christmas break—it would be at least another week before I had to hear everyone’s ridicule. Winter had the loudest mouth in Junior Primary.
“Where did you get that much money anyway?” Mama asked with a burp.
“Daddy gave it to me,” I said quietly. “It was my Christmas present.”
“And you spent it all on some little tackhead girl? What is wrong with you? I know I raised you better than that, Ambrose!”
I let out a sigh. In a strange way, I know she felt like she was helping, but she was just making it worse. “Can I go to my room now?”
Her eyes lingered on me a moment longer, before she sighed and reached back down to re-light what was left of her cigarette. “I guess. Bring me a beer before you go. And after dinner, I need you to rub my feet for me. Make sure you pull out that coconut oil from the bathroom cabinet—I had a long day.”
I retrieved a glass bottle from the fridge and handed it to her as I finally made my way to my room. I placed the box on my desk and plopped down onto the bed. I was growing tired of the way things had been going since Mama changed jobs. I hated the way people looked at us whenever me and Mama walked down the street. And I hated living in New Lorraine because everyone knew she worked at The Library. At least once a week, someone taped her naked photo to my locker. I was just exhausted of it all.
I laid there in bed for a moment, wishing things could be different somehow. I imagined us moving into one of the high-rises in Gigglemug. The thought seemed so close and so far away at the same time. I decided not to dwell on it, knowing it would just make me feel worse. It didn’t matter how things were or what I wanted—I was stuck there until I graduated.
I decided to call my dad and wish him a merry Christmas since I was certain I wouldn’t see him tomorrow. Plus, he’d probably understand what happened with Autumn a lot better than Mama did.
“Hey Dad... yeah, it’s me. I’m doing okay. I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I know you’ll be busy tomorrow. Yeah... I mean, yessir. Thank you. I wish I could see you this year. Maybe next year you’ll have more time? Okay,” I said quietly before a brief pause. He seemed to be around a lot of people and I heard Christmas music in the background. “Hey dad, I know you said I ask this too much, but have thought anymore about letting me coming out there to stay out with y—huh? Oh, you’re busy right now? Okay, I’ll just... no, it’s okay. I understand. You’re right. It went okay. Yeahhhh, I got it. She didn’t really like it though. No, not really. Yeah, I did exactly what you said. Yup, I got it wrapped too. I don’t know. Maybe one day. Okay. Yes. Yes sir. Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to you later. I love you too. Bye.”
***
I glanced at my watch for the third time in five minutes just as Kai stepped out of the dressing room in a skin-tight dress. My eyes lit up and she could immediately tell how impressed I was with the way she looked. The red fabric hugged her curves instinctively and was cut low enough in the front to show off the perfect amount of cleavage. “This is the one,” I said with a smirk, refusing to take my eyes off her.
“You sure?” she asked with a smile. “What about that purple one—?“
“No, I’m a hundred percent sure. I mean, you look... spectacular,” I said in amazement. “Get over here.”
She licked her lips slowly and teased her way over, kissing me deeply as soon as I took her in my arms. I held the small of her back and returned the kiss, tugging her bottom lip sensuously between mine. “Okay, take that off and let’s get outta here.”
“I thought you were getting me shoes?” she asked with a pout.
“No time, babe. We gotta skate. It’s almost 8 as it is.”
“Ugh, fine.” She made her way back inside the dressing room as I glided over to the long line of people snaked throughout the store, waiting to make it to the register. Just as I reached the tail end, my phone buzzed inside my pocket.
“Hello? Ambrose... that you? Or is your mama playing on your phone again? Oh okay. How are you? Well, thank you son. Yeahhhhhh, you know it’s always busy around the house on the 25th. You’re my big man though, right? You don’t need all that mushy stuff like them. Yeah... yeah, next year should definitely work.” My eyes darted across the store just as Kai escaped the dressing room with a plethora of new dresses and a handful of matching accessories. I gave her a wink and a smile as she made her way to join me in line. “Yeah... hey son. I’m a little preoccupied at the moment. It’s a million people around right now and it’s super loud. I’ll call you back in a little bit, okay? You’re good though right? I know I keep saying we need to hang out more often. There’s just always so much going on and so many moves I gotta make, you know? I’ll do better though, I promise. Hey, how’d the thing with ol’ girl go? Did you get her the stuff like we talked about? Really? I thought you said those were all the things she likes? You wrapped it up and put it in a box right? You didn’t just give it to her straight out the bag, did you? Damn. Well, don’t worry. One day, she’ll come around. Hey, I really do have to go, but we’ll talk soon alright? Be good for your Mama. Don’t have her worrying about you too much. I love you kid. Later.“
“Ready?” Kai asked with a smile, just as I returned the phone to my pocket.
A pang of guilt sat uneasily inside the pit of my stomach, but I didn’t want to let on that my mood had changed. “For you? Always,” I flirted, giving her my best everything-is-just-fine smile.
“You okay?” she asked with a concerned look.
I sighed. “Yeah, just got off the phone with my son.”
“I thought you said you had two daughters?”
“And I also have a 12-year-old named Ambrose. He lives in New Lorraine with his mother.”
“I swear I learn something new about you every day, Corey,” she said, shaking her head. “I bet he acts just like you too. A smooth-talking little heartbreaker, huh?”
“Unfortunately not. It’s not his fault though. He’s just so sensitive from all that time around his mama’s folks. They all a little touched in the head if you ask me.”
The truth was I had failed Ambrose every day since he was born and was failing him still. I didn’t realize it until he was hanging up, but something in his voice told me that he needed me.
“Well, was he okay?” she asked, running her hand across my shoulders. “You seem... I don’t know... bothered by something.”
“Yeah, he’s fine,” I said as my eyes met the floor. “He just wanted to wish me a merry Christmas and whatnot.”
She beamed a wide smile and the way her eyes lit up made me realize just how quickly I was falling in love with her. It seemed that no matter what I told her about my past, she was always understanding and still willing to see me in the best light. “Awwww, he seems like a good kid. That’s so sweet.”
“Not as sweet as you though,” I said, pulling her in for another kiss. “I wish this line would hurry up. If I’ma taste you tonight, we gotta put a move on.”
The woman in front of us turned around with a look of disdain as we laughed loudly to one another. After what seemed like forever, we finally made it to the register. After the cashier rang us up, I grabbed each bag as Kai gave me another kiss, adoringly holding my face in her hands. She began to sashay out of the boutique and I bit my bottom lip as I watched her hips switch back and forth, knowing what awaited me back at her apartment. For the first time in a long time, I felt like the luckiest man on earth.
***
Cinnamon and dark chocolate wafted throughout the kitchen as my counters overflowed with chopped veggies, a perfectly roasted duck, several buttermilk pies and a pan of sweet potatoes prepped for the oven. Everything else would have to wait until the girls were in bed.
For now, my priority was making sure Aunt Phaedra’s chocolate-pecan cookies were perfect. Otherwise, she’d never let me hear the end of it. Just as I began to sift the flour, the girls rushed into the kitchen, playing a game of tag with the cardboard tube from a bundle of wrapping paper. I told them to take a break and gave them each a small mug of hot chocolate, hoping the dash of cayenne wouldn’t be too much spice for their young palettes.
“Can we have a cookie too, Mommy?” Grace asked as her sister’s eyes lit up.
“Not until your Daddy gets here. Go take a seat in the family room and finish your cocoa. Once he gets here, you’re both going to have a bath and get in your pajamas. By then, I should be ready to put the cookies out for Santa—but you can have one as long as you don’t spill your cocoa... and you behave until bedtime.”
They screamed in glee and rushed off, holding their mugs as carefully as I’d ever seen them hold anything. I let out an unexpected laugh—those two could be unintentionally hilarious sometimes.
I returned to my cookie prep, and not long after, I heard the mechanical crunch of the garage door opening and checked my watch. He wasn’t technically late, but he’d been gone a lot longer than I expected. I let out an irritated sigh and promised myself I wouldn’t bitch about it as long as he had everything on the list. He was attempting to sneak in quietly, but his eyes widened once he saw me standing there in the kitchen.
“I didn’t think you’d still be up,” he said simply, studying the plethora of dishes on the counter. “What’s with all the food?”
I gave him a confused look. “Did you forget that Christmas is tomorrow? Mama and Aunt Phaedra and Uncle Toot are coming by. I thought it’d be nice to have a meal.”
He shifted uncomfortably. “You still want to do that?”
I gave an exasperated sigh. “I just want to be around family—why is that so hard to understand?”
He gave a sigh of his own and leaned against the counter. “I realize that... I’m just saying with everything going on...”
The timer beeped on the stove, signaling it was sufficiently preheated and he stopped short. I tossed the pan of sweet potatoes inside and returned to the bowl of cookie dough. “It’s just a few dishes and a few people. That’s all.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t. “Did you get everything on the list?”
“Yeah, it’s all is in the car. I wanted to make sure the girls were in bed first before I snuck everything inside. They were all sold out of those Michelle dolls though. Guy said they’ve been on backorder for three weeks. Black Friday pretty much wiped out their entire inventory.”
“I told you we shouldn’t have waited,” I said with a scowl.
“Yeah, yeah,” he answered with a dismissive wave of the hand. “The crowds were a beast out there. I’m never shopping on Christmas Eve again.”
“If you would’ve just used the pickup option like I suggested...” He gave another hard sigh, but said nothing. “Or you could’ve gotten everything weeks ago like I did instead of waiting until the night before.”
“You know things have been hectic since Bobbie Ann quit. She’s the one who usually takes care of things like that...” My eyes narrowed and I just shook my head. He lifted his hands in surrender. “Look, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just not used to having so much on my plate.”
“Hmph, I bet.” He slumped back against the counter as I reminded myself to stop being so combative.
The girls giggled from the family room, singing along loudly to a Christmas carol playing on the television. “I’ll make sure they get the dolls for their birthday,” he said simply. “They’ll be back in stock by then, I’m sure.”
I did my best to give him a genuine smile although there was turmoil churning inside my stomach. “That should work.”
“So are you planning to be up all night?”
“Not all night—just until the food is done. You got plans or something?” He shook his head, and despite my best efforts, I could see that I was getting under his skin. My intention had been to showcase just how unbothered I was, but it wasn’t working. I decided to stop playing coy. “So did you get her anything for Christmas?”
His eyes grew wide. “What? No,” he said matter-of-factly before staring towards the floor.
“And you’re not planning to see her tomorrow?”
“Nope.”
“That means you must’ve seen her today. Or did you actually go see Ambrose like you said you were?”
He straightened up. “I didn’t make it. We talked though—he called and told me merry Christmas.”
“Why didn’t you call him?”
“He beat me to the punch, I guess. I was still out at the mall.”
“Well, wasn’t that sweet of him? Did you tell him to come by tomorrow? It’s been a long time since he’s seen the girls.”
He cleared his throat and stuffed his hands inside his pockets. “He and his Mama got their own thing going on. I told him we could try for another time though.”
I turned back to the bowl and rolled my eyes. Corey was still lying. There was no way Ambrose would prefer to spend the day with his mama when he could be here with us in Gigglemug, but I decided to drop it. “You still didn’t answer my question—did you see her today?”
“When did you ask me that?”
“The question was inferred.”
“Noemi—“
I slammed the rubber spatula into the bowl and looked at him incredulously. “I thought we were going to start being honest with each other, Corey? Isn’t that what you said?”
He sighed and his eyes met the floor again. “Okay fine, I was with her today.”
“Hmph,” I muttered out, pressing out the dough for the cookies.
“She just happened to be doing some shopping of her own,” he answered flatly. “We didn’t plan it.”
“I bet. So, that’s it? Y’all just shopped together and you came on home?” He didn’t take the bait, which irritated me but also told me everything I needed to know. I decided to change the subject. I was never going to get a straight answer from him anyway. “The girls are waiting up for you. You know they won’t be able to sleep until they see your face. Can you make sure they get a bath and put them in their pajamas please? I told them they could have cookies if they behaved.”
Without a word, he slid past me, making his way to the family room as I began to spoon cookie dough onto the baking sheet. Once I had 24 perfectly-placed dollops, I slid them inside the oven next to the sweet potatoes and took a seat at the kitchen table, crying to myself and wondering where it all went wrong.
Gregory Hedgepeth is the editor-in-chief of Vital Narrative Press. You can follow him on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. Feel free to follow on all three. Or maybe just two. Yeah, two’s probably good—he’s not that interesting. Gregory Hedgepeth is also the author of MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SUNRISES, THE YEAR THAT ANSWERED and A COLLECTION OF ECHOES. BUY THAT SHIT.